I don’t think it’s a word, but we all use it quite regularly - and it’s what popped into my head today as I jogged along my familiar stretch of Boise’s urban sprawl. I am discombobulated.
I am wearing thin. I am not physically thin…in fact 8 pounds have crept onto my frame since leaving town last May. But my spirit is thin. My heart is thin. My exterior is thin. I did say that I left town in May and I don’t say that figuratively. I literally haven’t used my closet or checked my own mail or lived with my husband or baked cookies or spent a lazy weekend planting flowers or making banana pancakes.... for 6 months - and I have 2 more months to go just to get to the holidays.
I am discombobulated.
I was doing so well for a while - my adventurous spirit, the excitement, the possibilities all carried me for a spell. Early on I got a few packages and cards and lots of well-wishes. And I am so thankful for those. But now time and distance and stretching and challenges are taking their toll. I pack, load and then unpack month after month. I have to start a new job [remember how that feels?] and find new shelter sometimes every 4 weeks. And each exciting new location takes me to a town where not a single friend or family member of mine resides. A new adventure over and over and over and over….
And I feel so ungrateful sharing this. I am healthy, have a great husband, am performing well and learning more than I care to admit. But I just feel abandoned. By my own true self. By my ideas and unmet expectations. By my family and friends. And even by God. So much of this is frustrating to me because some of this abandoning is happening the other way around - me letting go. But it feels the same. It feels lonely.
I am out here in this world trying to win friends and influence people [for lack of a better phrase] every darn day - and it is hard work. And all I want is to make banana pancakes at home and go out some blustery fall day and check the mail. Maybe invite a friend to coffee, or volunteer at youth group.
But Jennifer called this week and reminded me in a short message that Jesus doesn’t abandon us and that He’s rooting for me, holding me up, caring for me even when it can’t be felt. He has plans for me - plans to make me prosper and not to harm me.
Even when it’s just me.
alone
discombobulated
and tonight I will cling to that.
