I don’t think it’s a word, but we all use it quite regularly - and it’s what popped into my head today as I jogged along my familiar stretch of Boise’s urban sprawl. I am discombobulated.
I am wearing thin. I am not physically thin…in fact 8 pounds have crept onto my frame since leaving town last May. But my spirit is thin. My heart is thin. My exterior is thin. I did say that I left town in May and I don’t say that figuratively. I literally haven’t used my closet or checked my own mail or lived with my husband or baked cookies or spent a lazy weekend planting flowers or making banana pancakes.... for 6 months - and I have 2 more months to go just to get to the holidays.
I am discombobulated.
I was doing so well for a while - my adventurous spirit, the excitement, the possibilities all carried me for a spell. Early on I got a few packages and cards and lots of well-wishes. And I am so thankful for those. But now time and distance and stretching and challenges are taking their toll. I pack, load and then unpack month after month. I have to start a new job [remember how that feels?] and find new shelter sometimes every 4 weeks. And each exciting new location takes me to a town where not a single friend or family member of mine resides. A new adventure over and over and over and over….
And I feel so ungrateful sharing this. I am healthy, have a great husband, am performing well and learning more than I care to admit. But I just feel abandoned. By my own true self. By my ideas and unmet expectations. By my family and friends. And even by God. So much of this is frustrating to me because some of this abandoning is happening the other way around - me letting go. But it feels the same. It feels lonely.
I am out here in this world trying to win friends and influence people [for lack of a better phrase] every darn day - and it is hard work. And all I want is to make banana pancakes at home and go out some blustery fall day and check the mail. Maybe invite a friend to coffee, or volunteer at youth group.
But Jennifer called this week and reminded me in a short message that Jesus doesn’t abandon us and that He’s rooting for me, holding me up, caring for me even when it can’t be felt. He has plans for me - plans to make me prosper and not to harm me.
Even when it’s just me.
alone
discombobulated
and tonight I will cling to that.
6 comments:
Oh Katie. We love you and are so proud of you. Hang in there, and maybe listen to Jack Johnson's song "Making Banana Pancakes" - it's song that cheers me up.
Katie, you put into words how I have been feeling as well the past few weeks/months. We will definitely get together for coffee and more in just a few short weeks when I join you in Idaho...
I'm counting down the days Natalie!!
It has definetly been hard learning how each clinic/hospital "runs" things every 4 weeks. By the time I learn the protocol just to order a certain test...I am off to another rotation. However, I feel being home is even more difficult then when I was away; friends and family are pulling me here and there and I am not focusing as much on studying. Like today I had every intention of reviewing the mesentary vasculature. It is now 10PM and I am going to bed. In the morning I have to drive my daughter to school after getting her dressed, doing her hair and making sure all of her homework is done. I then work 1-11pm so I miss her swimming and won't be able to put her to bed. It's a crazy life being a PA student!!! Hang in there Katie :)
Katie,
I'm not going to pretend to know how you feel but jesus does and He loves you. Hang on tight, it's gonna be one heck of a ride.
Post a Comment